I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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