Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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