I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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