surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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