Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
