i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
