i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
