god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
