Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
