The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
