if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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