I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
