Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
