This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
