just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
