Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
