God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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