you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
