Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
