cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
