you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
