Sry I called you an 8
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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