Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
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