you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
