i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
