How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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