I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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