Your mouth is God's brothel.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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