there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
