And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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