Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
cat food counts as protein by the way
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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