College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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