once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
