I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
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