He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
