It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
