so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
