You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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