Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I woke up under a house in Key West
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
