he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
