Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
