My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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