Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
my god I love twenty year old dicks
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
