i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
it's great music for shaving your balls
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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