FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
