someone threw a dead crab at me
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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