You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
