I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
