Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
