Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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