I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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