you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
