dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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