Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
