chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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