can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
