Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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