Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
She told me I should be a condom model.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
