there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
