I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
